Soul Scream

My brother has turned on me. Called me this morning wanting details of the household budget I've been keeping, and said our mother wants to know where her money is. I reminded him I've got four weeks to make all the necessary arrangements to move, right now is not the time to work up long-term financial plans, and it will be better to sit down in a month when I'm out there. He ripped into me, told me "this is not all about you", and insisted that I give him the information within the next two days. I don't fucking believe this. There's more but I won't go into the gory details. I thought I had escaped the role of family martyr. I'm absolutely heartbroken. My soul is screaming.

www.ladyalchemy.com

Comments:

Ok. There may have been a misunderstanding, caused by a phone call from our oldest brother, who I have not spoken to since Christmas Day. I haven't called my brother yet to try & straighten things out. I'm still very hurt & frightened by the whole thing.
Posted by: Alchemy January 31, 2005 at 04:18 AM

Nope, no misunderstanding. My brother has lost his mind & become an asshole.
Posted by: Alchemy January 31, 2005 at 09:32 PM

whoa....im very sorry to hear this...(((huggs)))MAN!
Posted by: astarry eyes February 01, 2005 at 05:36 PM

Yeah. Holy fucking crap, huh?
Posted by: Alchemy February 01, 2005 at 08:29 PM

Strange Days

Things are beginning to get weird. I knew it would happen. I was telling friends a year ago that I have been holding back for the sake of my mom & all - keeping the craziness on a very short leash because of my duty as her caregiver. What craziness, you say? Well, it's hard to describe, but I have this knack for getting into bizarre situations & meeting the most interesting people in very random ways. Those who have known me a long time will vouch for the existence of said craziness, and may be able to describe it more clearly. Maybe not, as their usual comment to me is simply "you're crazy". Anyhow, now that my mom is safe in her new environs, I've allowed the craziness to be unleashed, and it's taking off at full speed like a 100 lb. dog that's just seen a rabbit in the bushes.

There is a contract on the house. The terms indicate a quick closing. Basically, I've got to leave in 30 days. As independent as I can be, I would really like some help with loading all my shit into the U-Haul & driving it across the country (towing my car behind it). My brother does not want to make the drive in winter. His wife told me today that I should leave my stuff in storage & come out anyway. Sorry, I love them both dearly but my response to that would have to be a resounding FUCK YOU!!! My life has been on hold for well over a year. I have spent the better part of six months hauling clutter (60 cubic yards worth) into a dumpster, cleaning, packing, and painting. Physical exertion to the point where I thought I had done permanent damage to my right arm. One night last week, I could not pick up a full coffee pot. No pain, but it might as well have weighed 500 pounds. My arm simply could not lift it. Mentally, physically, and emotionally, I am tapped. Exhausted. I have done the best I could for this house that I love, and now I'm preparing to leave it forever & go someplace foreign to me, where I have some friends, but yet I struggle with the fear that I won't be accepted & that I'll fail at whatever grand plan it is that I'm trying to orchestrate. So please, do not ask me to leave my stuff here & retrieve it later. Cruel thing to ask of me, really. Really. I won't rant. I'll just drive the damn truck by myself if I have to. Watch me.

Anyhow, 4 weeks. The clock is ticking & I may not have a roommate now. More craziness. It's ok either way, it's just odd - not knowing if a month from now I will live in a 2 bedroom or a studio. A 3000 mile drive - possibly alone. Living arrangements & employment once I get there are unknown. It's like a roll of the dice. Who the fuck knows what's going to happen.

Oh, one more thing about the craziness. I feed it. Once it starts, it snowballs. Coincidence, synchronicity, luck, and sheer will combine & the mixture is pretty potent. This has so much potential.

http://www.ladyalchemy.com/

Comments:

Those challenges are what makes life so exciting though. The fear of the unknown is a fear that's intoxicating...a feeling I crave sometimes. Embrace it all. Even the craziness. You'll land on your feet. (hug)
Posted by: flamingheart January 28, 2005 at 12:33 AM

Hoping I do land on my feet. I'm going to try! Thanks for the hug. :)
Posted by: Alchemy January 31, 2005 at 09:30 PM

your time is NOWwhat was that worry.......?
you will be MORe than accpeted!!beleive me:)your an alchemist!
Posted by: astar February 01, 2005 at 05:39 PM

Sold

Signed a contract today & the house is sold. I'm exhausted & freaked out, so that's all I'm going to write for now.

www.ladyalchemy.com

Comments:

Congratulations....you will have time before you are gone for good so let's make plans....soon!
Posted by: El Cacko Supremo January 27, 2005 at 10:14 PM

Definitely!
Posted by: Alchemy January 31, 2005 at 09:29 PM

Oh No It's a Webcam!

Dave Navarro took my webcam virginity today. Like all deflowerings, it was awkward, nerve-wracking, and over way too fast. Wrought with technical problems, too. Sorry Dave. You got a good laugh anyway. I'll get the webcam mic sorted out & IM you when I do. Stuck in a blizzard at the moment & waiting to see if the additional software download solved the problem. I'll need to find someone else with a cam to be able to do that. OMG someone needs to make a universally understood icon for "I'm in sweatpants with no makeup on & haven't showered yet today, so don't IM me"! Actually, it's worse. I was wearing the clothes I plan to throw away after I've finished painting the house! Meanwhile, I'm attaching air raid sirens to my buddy list. Panic indeed! LMAO!!

Courtesy of my friend & fine photographer Penny Davis, I've got new images to play with. YAY! This is one of my favorites from a shoot we did back in October. I think she's really talented, has a great eye, and was terrific at directing me to pose. I learned a lot from working with her & wish I could bring her out to California with me so we can shoot some more.

On that note, if you are - or know any - photographers (in the New York area for the next month or so, then Los Angeles) who might be interested in shooting me, send me an email with a link to some of your work. Painters & other artists are welcome as well. I'm having fun being a part-time muse. Mutual collaborations with other painters/photographers where we take turns being artist & model are really intriguing to me at the moment.

www.ladyalchemy.com

For Sale

Something about arriving home to a For Sale sign on the lawn. Yes, I allowed the sign. Yes, I knew it was coming. However I wasn't prepared for the flood of emotions - and memories - that hit me when I saw it. Picking strawberries way out in the back on a hot summer day, family picnics, running around with the dog, crisp autumn leaves, snowball fights, spring bulbs, fireflies, crickets, and the feel of the grass under my feet. I'll miss the Rowan tree & lilac bushes & the old crab apple tree, not to mention every childhood pet I ever had. They're all here. It's not just a house. This really hurts.

www.ladyalchemy.com

Comments:

*BIG HUG*
Posted by: flamingheart January 21, 2005 at 12:34 AM

Well .....of course:)Its only natural my freind:)I wish you the best,i really do((((biggest hugg you can imagine))))
Posted by: Astar January 21, 2005 at 05:15 PM

Factman

I'm going to start a new clothing label and make Cock Rocker Boxers.

Like a siren from the sea, TPC lured me quite a few times this weekend. I need a webcam. PRONTO.
Painting & packing continue, the realtor will be here in 5 hours, and I have not been to bed since I crawled out of it Saturday morning. It's Monday. Gotta give Starbucks props for this one, but if I'm up too much longer I'm gonna start seeing this thing walking around the house...

http://www.ladyalchemy.com/

TPC

Note to self: STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD AND GET TO WORK ON THE HOUSE. TPC WILL STILL BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK.

This is really bad. Like crack, they say. lol

http://www.ladyalchemy.com/

Comments:

Yes, that's why I was up until 3:30am... CRACK!!What's even more worrying it that this level of OCD is usually only reserved for projects involving our boys...Your are witnessing the making of a new Frankenstein-ette...lol ;-)
Posted by: flamingheart January 15, 2005 at 11:37 AM

Oh, I KNOW! I was up until 3am. LOL!!! I haven't wanted a webcam for three years. Now suddenly,in the blink of an eye, I NEED one! wtf? lolololololol. I love it! Webcam or no, the potential for shenanigans over there is off the charts & the people rock. Fun, fun, fun! Ok, I HAVE to get back to painting the house now. See ya later! :)
Posted by: Alchemy January 15, 2005 at 02:21 PM

the place is lethal it makes you want to box cocks even. :0
Posted by: electric mayhem January 16, 2005 at 11:22 PM

WOOOO!!!! Hello, Cock Boxers Anonymous?
Posted by: Alchemy January 17, 2005 at 01:49 AM

The Clock is Ticking

I called the realtor bright & early today & made an appointment for next Monday morning. The clock is ticking & I've got to get this house as ready as it's going to be in 6 days. Panic is setting in...

www.ladyalchemy.com

WHITE!!!

There's white paint everywhere. It's in my hair, on my hands, on my clothes, and mostly on the walls. I swear this house is getting bigger as I paint. I'm exhausted, but got a lot done today. About 80% of the house has a first coat now & I started second-coating my office so I can put the furniture back where it belongs. My monitor looks funny sitting in the middle of the room & there's this weird echo down the stairs when I read something online that makes me laugh out loud, which happens quite a bit. I think my cat likes the echoes in the house. He's a lot more vocal lately.

Cold-Eeze is one of my new favorite things. My cold's almost gone already. Not bad. I slept all day Friday. Yesterday I was fairly active & today I probably overdid it, but I feel pretty good.


My brother called today & told me his dog had three puppies. She's such a sweet dog, too. Isn't she cute? The puppies will be just about 6 or 8 weeks old when I move. Not sure how I'm going to resist. He began the hard sell before they were even born. They're part German Shepherd, too. I love Shepherds. Here comes Loki, right on cue. He'll keep me in line. He hates dogs. Mean cat.

Off to bed & hoping I don't have any dreams about Jerry Cantrell (Camp Freddy Radio reference - way too much information, guys)!!! I'll probably dream that I'm in a public restroom when Dave Navarro's voice comes from the next stall over, asking me "do you have any toilet paper", followed by "what are you wearing"? Freaks.

http://www.ladyalchemy.com/

Comments:

Ask Waldo about Mr. Florida...lmao
Posted by: flamingheart January 09, 2005 at 10:38 PM

Hey FH! Hi!!! :) Mr. Florida? Uh oh. I'm very afraid...lol.
Posted by: Alchemy January 10, 2005 at 06:48 AM

I'll never look at a US map the same again thanks to Waldo. ROFLMAO!
Posted by: Alchemy January 11, 2005 at 06:42 AM

almost done with one of the hugest steps in your lifetimeseparating with the childhood homesteadi wish i were there to help you make it all come together
pay you back a bit for all you have done for me in my times of need
teajay
Posted by: teajay January 11, 2005 at 10:54 AM

Stop making me cry! Seriously, that's really sweet. Thank you TJ. :)
Posted by: Alchemy January 11, 2005 at 09:09 PM

Just For Today

Nine years clean today. Weird. Doesn't seem like it could possibly be that long. Feels good. Grateful that I don't have urges to use, but ever mindful that addiction can surface in many forms. I won't touch a drink or drugs, and as for the rest...well, balance seems to be the key.

Anyhow, I'm just on for a second to make note of the anniversary. I'm sick as a dog with a cold that came on today. My nose is a lovely shade of red & I'm having sneezing fits so severe I begin to sweat & my chest hurts. Yuck. I've got no time to rest, either. The realtor is hounding me to list the house & I am just as motivated as she to get this show on the road. For the past 7 hours I've been packing boxes, moving furniture around, and cleaning. I'll probably pass out in the shower with a sponge & spray bottle in my hand & wake up in the a.m. wondering what the hell happened.

http://www.ladyalchemy.com/

Jetlag Girl

Mom & me. Christmas 2004 in the California desert. I love this photo. :)

Hit the wrong button while fumbling for the snooze on my alarm clock this morning & overslept by three hours. Just call me Jetlag Girl. Funny thing is my cell phone awakened me mid-dream, where I was busy hanging outside my new L.A. apartment with Courtney Love. Wish I could remember more of the details, but it's very hazy. It was a warm evening & we were out on the patio. I think we were either about to barbeque, or go out to eat & get into trouble. Maybe the dream will continue tonight, but I doubt it. I'm not very good at returning to dreams or directing them. I do have a prophetic streak though, so we'll see if it comes to pass this summer. It's on the record now so I can prove it later. ;)

Continuing to pack & clear things out, although I don't feel as though I've accomplished much today. The walls of the house are becoming plain, white, and depersonalized (rolling eyes). No more gorgeous royal purple & soothing robin's egg blue. Just white. I'm surely on my way to boring myself right out of here. Would like to stay up & get more packing done, but it's already past midnight & I have to be up early tomorrow. Not enough hours in the day.

www.ladyalchemy.com

Happy New Year!

Ok, I know I'm late but I just arrived back in NJ this morning & spent all day catching up on email, spoiling my cat, and feverishly packing possessions & painting walls. Paint fumes & Cult tunes, baby! I'm psyched. Feeling like all emotional ties to the house in NJ are broken now. The trip to L.A. was just what I needed. Full speed ahead. Here's to a new year & a new life.

Me & Chuck 7 Eagles at the Doors gig New Year's Eve. Good show but I have to agree with the guy yelling from the balcony - let's hear some Cult!! Fingers crossed for 2005. I want my favorite band back. Now.

Sorry for bringing tons of rain to Los Angeles, btw. I'll try to leave it here when I move. Tornados, even. WTF?!
Ok, the paint fumes have really hit me now. Off to bed.

http://www.ladyalchemy.com/

Comments:

Happy new year!
How long were you in So Cal? Where were ya exactly?
Posted by: Gerri January 03, 2005 at 10:41 AM

Hey! Happy New Year! I was at my brother's place in the desert & then L.A. - quick trip & I didn't have a car or anything, otherwise we could have met up somewhere. I'll email you tonight! XO
Posted by: Alchemy January 03, 2005 at 12:32 PM